Eat, Sleep, Poop, Repeat.

So…. It’s official. Ryan and I talked last night and in 192 days I am going to stop taking my birth control. Rollin’ the dice! I’m half terrified, half excited. I think. I feel strange about it too. Not in a bad way or a doubtful way. I guess the scariest part for me is the worry that I won’t be a good mother. I’m not very naturally nurturing. Everyone always reassures me that I will be once I have my own child, but what if they are wrong?

I have several friends that have had children over the past few years and watching the parents evolve into something different is fascinating. They are a family now. To an outsider it’s almost annoying. Always toting the carrier around with baby bottles and “oh I have to go feed them now” and “oh come over and hang out with me and the baby, it’ll be a blast.” That doesn’t sound fun to me in the slightest, to be honest. And when they start crying it makes me so uncomfortable and I feel like leaving. Now, I know this all sounds horribly cold hearted and mean, but I’m just being honest. If I can’t be honest to you, then who can I be honest like this to?

I’m sure I’ll turn into one of those assholes too that thinks their kid is just the shit and that everyone will want to hear about it and hold it and babysit it for me.

We both agreed that if we can’t get pregnant for some reason that we’ll chalk it up to divine intervention. We are fine just as a we, the two of us. We both want a child but neither of NEEDS a child.

 

God…. now you think I’m going to be a terrible mother for sure. I guess we’ll find out. Or something. 

"We Ain't Got No Fuckin' Microphone"

So.
A month or so ago I did this stupid thing called Band Swap. It's where a bunch of musicians get together and all the drummer's names go in a cup, singers names go in a cup, et cetera. Then they create new bands and each band has one month to write five songs and come up with a band name.

It was a blast. It reminded me of the good ole' days of playing and writing. I sure do miss it sometimes. I think that a part of me still thinks it defines me - makes me who I am. Makes me better, different, not just some boring girl that likes to read books. It makes me special. But.... I guess it really doesn't.

Maybe that's what I've missed this whole time. Instead of letting it define me - I should be letting it evolve me and enrich my life and help me grow and express. But I think all musicians are proud of it and that's why everyone talks about it.

Anyhow - the real point of the story:

So the guitar player I was put with in the Band Swap.... let's call him Shmarchie.... Shmarchie and I get along really well. We've known each other for a long time and we've played together in the past. We mesh well musically (so I thought.) After Band Swap was over I decided to go out on a limb and ask him if he would like to start a project with me. He replied, "yeah I think we could do some cool shit together too but I just don't have the time for it."

I appreciate his kindness. That was the nicest way possible to say no to me. He could have been a dick about it. But what a blow to the ego! In other words, he said, I don't dig that idea enough to MAKE time for it. Which is fine, really. I get it. It's not that big of a deal. I don't know what I was expecting. I should have known better than to set myself up for disappointment.

So now I'm kind of grumpy about the whole thing. I feel like I'm a sorry excuse for a musician. Like I've let that part of me die because I've neglected it. Similar to how I've neglected you, blog. You and my musicianship have so much in common!

I played guitar the other night. It actually ended up just pissing me off to no end and furthering my beliefs that I suck at it. I can't even play a fucking B chord. How did I miss that one, huh?

I guess I can think of this as a good thing. Maybe I do need to move on. That scene is part of my past. Several chapters ago. This writer needs to stop regurgitating old stories and start to write her new ones.

Ahem.... I Owe You An Apology.....

Here.... I got these for you..... because I'm sure by now you have serious abandonment issues because of me. It's not that I didn't WANT to write to you, I guess I felt I had nothing very important to say. I still really don't have anything important to say.
Don't for one second think that I never thought of you though, because I did. Honest.

SO - to catch you up -

I got married.
I got a new tattoo.
I went to Mexico.
I'm very happy.
I want to make a family in a year or so.
I love and I am loved. Very much.

I read all of my old entries yesterday. It was exhausting. I was such a roller coaster. Not that I'm great now - I mean I AM great - but I'm not so up and down. I have a lot of things to thank for that, but I think I can blame it on growing up a little bit too. Okay, a lot a bit.