Blue skies shining on me!

Man I feel incredible. I really do. Life has never been this wonderful and peaceful, fulfilling, giving, receiving, blessed. God the list goes on and on. I honestly wouldn't change a thing. Except I do feel a tiny hole forming that could only be filled with the sound of little feet and precious giggles.

I would love to have a mini Ryan and me. I would love him/her with the part of my heart that I've never had the pleasure of exploring. I want to believe in God more than I do now and I know the moment I meet this thing that I made with my best friend, I will see God. I will feel a higher power. I want to feel that again.

It's so easy for me to deny ever being in love before because the love I feel right now for this beautiful creature I get to call mine is so much more intense, so real, so different than any feeling I've ever felt before. He told me I'm his best friend the other night. This touched me so deeply. I feel the same way about him. I know I can tell him anything and he will understand. He has forgiven me for mistakes I've made pre and post Ryan. He has shown me the positive or "sunny side" to any bad day. He reminds me to look up, not down, when the day has made me it's bitch. I can feel his heart beat when he holds me and it's a sound, that exact beat and sound, that I want to hear for the rest of my life. I've never had a man treat me this way and I pray to God, every single day, to please never take him away from me.

It's finally spring! Trees are blooming. Flowers are popping up and looking so sweet and innocent with their tea cup-like shapes and colors. It reminds me of being a child.

I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with my parents last weekend. It was wonderful. The older I get, the more human they become and I can't get enough of it. They are so good to me. My dad is my best friend, absolutely. I can call him day or night, just to say hello, and he just knows what I need to hear, even if I didn't tell him something's bothering me. My mother makes me laugh, I see myself in her. I also see sadness and regret in her eyes that I wish I could make go away. I want her to look in the mirror and feel like she made the right choices in this life. She did the right thing. She made me who I am in several ways. The older I get, the more I see her face looking back at me in the mirror. Not just in physical ways, our eyes, the shape of my body, etc., but her, the inside her. I love her. She is strong. She's a good wife to my father. She is giving. God bless her.

Anyway, enough vomiting. I felt the need to blog after reading Narnia's blog. I thought it would only be fair if I too, found a place to puke. Thanks for the inspiration dear, you are so important to me.

Lacuna has left a lacuna....

I'm not a dog owner anymore.

I'm not a dog person anymore.

I no longer have to go home to let my dog out.

I no longer need to go to petsmart.

I don't need a lint roller.

I don't need rawhide.

I have decided to move on in this life a dogless woman. I let a friend of mine keep her.....it's complicated. This friend needed her more than I did. I had Lacuna in my life for a while and she filled an empty space inside of me and was my friend. I, however, don't feel I've returned the favor to its extent, until now.

I can't go home. Not yet. It's cold and quite there, and no one to read books with.

I did the right thing. I know it in my heart. I cannot get away from the feeling, though, that someone very close to me has died. It's the same feeling. Like when you lose a friend and your phone rings weeks later. You have to remind yourself, after you look at the phone hoping it's them, that they aren't here anymore. Now, when I open my door, I will have to remind myself that she isn't mine anymore.

Sky Diving is Dangerous, So is Love

1/2 cup non instant oatmeal

2 tablespoons sugar free syrup

chocolate protein shake (two scoops, not three)

salad with mushrooms, cheese, fat free ranch

lather, rinse, repeat.

BORING.

I want Taco Bell's new $5 box! Those bastards. And of course they have to play the commercial A MILLION TIMES A NIGHT WHILE I AM TRYING TO WATCH TELEVISION.

I feel better today, dear blog, than I did the last time we spoke. I'm not sure why I have these sudden bouts of sadness and negativity. I wish I could somehow turn them off when I feel them coming on. I suppose everyone gets down from time to time, I just feel like I do more than others. Who knows.

I just pulled the tiniest sticker off of my cell phone. It's something pertaining to the camera on it.... anyway, it's the smallest sticker I've ever seen. I wonder if someone puts them on there by hand. And if so, I wonder if they completely hate their life. What would that title be called? Tiny Sticker Placement Expert.

Sometimes when I drive to work, I let my overactive imagination get the best of me. I see cars flying through a red light and hitting me at full speed, or a large, sharp object flying from the back of a trailer and impaling me through the windshield, or getting side swiped and pushed off the highway down the embankment, rolling to my almost death. Because of course I wouldn't die, I'd just be paralyzed or severely injured or.... I disgust myself.

I played my guitar for the first time in several months last night. It felt good. It made me feel like sneaking into an open mic night somewhere in town and playing. I wouldn't tell anyone, I'd just go and get it out of my system. I love playing in front of other people. There's something about it...the way my tummy feels, the way everything slows down but speeds up at the same time, the way the light shines in your eyes, the way the chair up there is never comfortable. I love the way singing into a microphone forces you to keep your face towards the audience, forcing you to literally face your fears. I miss it a lot, but then I hear this voice in the back of my head saying "you aren't that good anyway, Nik." And the voice is right. I'm not that good. I'm a mediocre guitar player that thinks my voice outweighs the crappyness of the guitar, but I'm guessing it doesn't really. Sometimes louder....isn't better.

It's Friday. Thank. Fucking. God.

I have no idea what I'm doing tonight. Rachel wanted to get together around 8 maybe and watch movies, but I'm getting stir crazy! I want it to be nice outside again. I hate being cooped up all the time. Maybe that's why I've been exceptionally pissy lately. I need sunshine and heat. I feel dead inside in the winter.

Okay, enough vomiting for one session. Thanks for listening blog. Have a good blog weekend.

What does "vinyl shine" mean anyway?

I'm being very hair vain today. So sue me. I'm having a killer hair day. Don't be mad, my little blog, that you do not have hair. I love you just the way you are.

I recently realized that I tell my boyfriend too much information. Doesn't that sound silly? I thought that honesty and openness was part of a healthy relationship. I've had on more than one occasion and in more than one relationship, someone older and more experienced than me tell that I tell the man I love a bit too much. I tell him more than he needs to know. It sucks because I tell him these things because I feel like I should be able to. He's supposed to be my best friend, right? But not when they back fire. I see what these women, my mother included, are saying. I just don't agree with it. I suppose I will follow their advice, because I see that it can be beneficial. Something about it....it just doesn't feel right. I suppose though, if the shoe were on the other foot, there are things that might happen to my man sometimes that I don't need to hear about. I don't want to hear about the hot girl in the elevator complimenting him on his perfect biceps.

Maybe I'll get the hang of this "relationship" thing some day. I'm workin' on it!

In other news, I've lost three pounds.

In other news, I still feel like a cow.

This blogging thing is great, I really think that. Sadly though, it let's me see a side to a dear friend of mine that makes my heart break for her. Sometimes I just want to shake her. She feels mediocre and what I wish she could see is that there are tons of people, myself included that are jealous of her! That wish they could be more like her. My heart feels 10 sizes too small when I compare it to hers. She's such a gem. I just love her. Don't get me wrong blog, I love you too. But you don't have perfect teeth and eyes the color of green olives cut in half.

I'm going to have sex tonight. Thank god. It's been 5 days due to my lady parts being "out of order" and let me tell you asexual blog friend, I'm pretty fucking excited about it. No pun intended.

Mostly garbage today. Sorry. I just felt you were due a blog...blog. Talk to you soon.

I hate roller coasters.

Sometimes I feel as though my brain is constantly on a roller coaster. It makes me ask myself "What's wrong with me? Why am I not "normal"?" I want to be even. I want to feel good enough. Good enough, especially for myself. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. On one hand, I think it might be good to feel this way. I'm constantly tearing myself apart, picking, analyzing, over reacting. If I thought I AM good enough, I'd never try to be better. On the other hand, I wonder if I do it too much. Sometimes, especially on days like today, I feel like driving back to my house and sleeping until summertime. Sometimes I love my job, live for my job. Not so much today. I find myself asking "why are you working so hard? will it ever stop? what exactly are you working towards?" I can't help it.

I feel the same way in my relationship also, sometimes. I stress the "sometimes." I feel like I'm not going to be able to remain good enough for Ryan. Definitely not because of anything he's said or done to make me feel that way. It's self doubt. A never ending audio stream of self doubt in my head. I tell myself he's better than me. I tell myself he should be with someone more attractive. Someone better with money. Someone who makes him better. I'm an idiot sometimes....damnit I hate being inside my head.

I stand outside a lot and always look up at the sky. Whenever I see an airplane I make a silent wish that I could blink my eyes and magically appear on that plane right that minute. I don't care where it's flying, the important thing is that it's flying away from here.

What's so wrong with here though?

It's supposed to snow tonight. I hope it snows so bad that I can't drive my car tomorrow. I'd love another three day weekend. They are therapeutic.

I went over to Ryan's last night and he acted uninterested in me. I watched him watch television while I was telling him about my day. It made me feel unimpressive. The usual. Boring. Unstimulating. I wish sometimes I could shake him and make him crazy about me all the time again. We are getting used to eachother. It's make or break time, folks. The honeymoon is over. Now will be the true test of whether there is truly and "us" or a "eh."

What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?

What if I always disappoint myself?

I don't want to get any older. Everything moves faster.

Fffshhhhhhh.....

So I told myself that I need to blog more.....

What am I supposed to do when I have nothing to blog about, blog?

I feel pressured into this relationship you and I have and I don't like to be pressured.

Don't make me dump you. Again.

That is all. As you were.

Fatty Fatty Two by Four

I feel like a cow today. I feel uncomfortable in my own skin for some reason. How is that I work out at least four, usually five days a week and still manage to get fatter? It's not like I'm sitting around all day just chowin' down on junk food. Sure, I eat carbs, I put a lot of sugar in my coffee, but c'mon! I'm 25 years old!

Anyway, I digress.

It's so cold here today and I can't stop wishing that I was somewhere else. Some place warm.

I supposed to have a girl date with Rachel tomorrow. Yes, blog, I will be eating a cheeseburger while I'm at Harry's. Don't judge me. God, you're so snoopy and intrusive sometimes it makes me sick.

I fell in love with Ryan a little more last night. I don't know why, exactly. Nothing specific happened to make me feel that way. Sometimes I just get this rush, this overwhelming rush of.....something. It hurts to not be touching his skin. I could lay in his arms and breathe him in all night long. He's such a good man....

Work sucks today. I'm unmotivated and would like to be at home with my dog, chain smoking and reading and falling asleep or something equally lazy.

Hang nail city!

I hate winter.

I love sleeping.

I miss my brother.

I wish my feet would stop hurting all the time.

There's something in my eye.

My cell phone is about to break. Time to get a new one.

I need more money.

I wish Ryan would be okay with dogs in his house.

My car is almost out of gas.

I'm really hungry right now.

My boss makes me sick sometimes.

Sometimes I make me sick.

I need to hit my quota this month and don't think I will.

Why is my check engine light blinking?

Oh hey, check out this really great quote, dear blog. Maybe it will inspire you as it did me:

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." Anais Nin

Natasha gave that one to me a while ago and I just found it yesterday in some old emails I was digging through. So true, so true.

That's all I have for you today blog. I'm feeling uninspired.

Random Emotional Spurtage

I was driving home last night from my boyfriends house. I had the radio turned off, heater turned to full blast, cigarette in hand. Something came over me and my eyes welled up. It was like a slap in the face, really. I realized how wonderful my life is and how much better it is now then ever before. I am so thankful for the people that I have the privilege to call friend.

Bryan:

You have always, always, always been there for me. I called you a little over a year ago, during a snow storm and told you that I needed a place to live.....like.....right now. You said yes. You welcomed me into your home without any expectations or worries. You listened to me bitch about my day to day, even when I didn't ask you about yours. You made sure I was okay when I was so very close to not being okay. You listened, you told me the truth, even when, heck, especially when I didn't want to hear it, but needed to hear it. I couldn't ask for a more loyal friend. I couldn't be more grateful for the things you have done for me. I care about you deeply and I would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it (although it might look pretty ridiculous on you.) I feel so blessed to have met you. I love the time I get to spend with you. Thanks for always making me laugh and making me realize that I take life far too seriously sometimes. Thanks for letting me sleep with Brant in your house. You shut the bathroom door.

Rachel:

You have enriched my life and made me remember how to be a girl. Not that I've forgotten, but I forgot what it was like to have "girl night" or "movie night" or "let's get shitfaced and make asses of ourselves night." I have never went on vacation with a girlfriend before. I had my favorite one with you! You make me laugh. You give me wonderful advice. You play devil's advocate and the perfectly right time that I need it. You are nice to my dog. You are reliable and warm. Thank you for inviting me into your home and letting me meet your family. Thank you for accepting mine and my life the way it is. You are so good, so honest and I love you very much. I thank god for you every day.

Ryan:

You are the man I want to marry. The man I want to have a family with. The man I want by my side when things get tough. I want to be there for you. I want to make you smile even when it seems impossible. I love the way you make me laugh and the way you make my heart melt when you look at me. I care about you so deeply, sometimes it hurts. I know we have our differences, but that what keeps it interesting. Thank you for taking me seriously. Thank you for giving me the respect that I have always wanted. Thank you for treating me like a person, not just a woman. You have changed the way I feel about my life and myself. You made me realize what it really is to want. Sharing my life with you has been the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. Thank god for Quik Trip and power bars. I love you handsome.

Natasha:

You will always be my sunshine. You will always be so close to my heart. I will hold you there forever. I know we don't see eachother as much as we used to, but you are still my girl. I still think back to the day you saved me on that never ending road in the snow. You gave me the mantra "sometimes you have to take life one day at a time. Sometimes one hour. Sometimes one breath." I use it when I need it most. You are so beautiful inside and out. I respect you for the mother that you are, the student, the teacher, the wife, the friend. You already know that I love you, I don't even have to say it.

Mom and Dad:

Where would I be with out you? It's scary to think about. You are my best friends. Every time I have needed you, just to talk, to cry, to bitch, to get advice, to yell, to fall apart on, you have been there. I wish I could repay you or show you how thankful I truly am, but I know that is impossible. There is no amount of anything that could do that. I am so fortunate to have a mother and father like you. I love you both so much it hurts. Thank you for being there, every time.

These are the things that went through my mind last night during my drive home. I realized that without these people, I would be lost. They are my family. My love. The thing that makes me feel alive and safe.