Eat, Sleep, Poop, Repeat.

So…. It’s official. Ryan and I talked last night and in 192 days I am going to stop taking my birth control. Rollin’ the dice! I’m half terrified, half excited. I think. I feel strange about it too. Not in a bad way or a doubtful way. I guess the scariest part for me is the worry that I won’t be a good mother. I’m not very naturally nurturing. Everyone always reassures me that I will be once I have my own child, but what if they are wrong?

I have several friends that have had children over the past few years and watching the parents evolve into something different is fascinating. They are a family now. To an outsider it’s almost annoying. Always toting the carrier around with baby bottles and “oh I have to go feed them now” and “oh come over and hang out with me and the baby, it’ll be a blast.” That doesn’t sound fun to me in the slightest, to be honest. And when they start crying it makes me so uncomfortable and I feel like leaving. Now, I know this all sounds horribly cold hearted and mean, but I’m just being honest. If I can’t be honest to you, then who can I be honest like this to?

I’m sure I’ll turn into one of those assholes too that thinks their kid is just the shit and that everyone will want to hear about it and hold it and babysit it for me.

We both agreed that if we can’t get pregnant for some reason that we’ll chalk it up to divine intervention. We are fine just as a we, the two of us. We both want a child but neither of NEEDS a child.

 

God…. now you think I’m going to be a terrible mother for sure. I guess we’ll find out. Or something.