Sometimes I Feel Like Something is Wrong with Me

I can't explain it, dear blog. Sometimes this overwhelming sadness comes over me and I can't seem to shake it. It's this dull, growing.....thing....that happens. It just happens. I yearn for home, a home that sometimes I feel I will never find. I guess I know in my heart that I will find that "home" someday, but at times it feels very hopeless. Hope is such a tough, nasty little thing to attempt to hold on to. I feel as though it teases me.
There are moments in my life that I feel as though I have everything figured out, that everything is right, that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be. Then that nasty little thing called hope comes in and says "Oh really? How about a nice, pretty, shiney, wrench? You think you and you're pretty little life can handle a wrench?" and I shiver, and I turn in to a coward, a child, and say in a quiet voice back to good ole' hope, "Nope, you've got me, once again. I cannot handle your imaginary wrench."
Ryan is so strong. Well, at least he acts strong. The shitty part is, and excuse me for rambling, is that he will never understand how I feel. God bless him for trying, but he should more than likely stop trying. If I cannot, then there is no way he can.
He holds his head high, never cries, never shows doubt in himself, never shows weakness.
I do.
Lord knows, I do.
Lord truly is the only one that knows how often I do. He is the only one I feel humble enough to lean on when I do. For some reason, hopefully one day I will know, I have a terribly heard time admitting anymore that I am not Super Woman. And with that being said, why is it that I always start these conversations, "God, if you are actually there, I mean.....I hope you're listening....or at least I hope that someone is listening...." Even at my worst, I show doubt.
I hurt the man I love so much tonight. I won't go in to detail, blog, because it really isn't worth it. I did not mean these acts of hurt, they just happenend. They every so often do. They are the ones that are inexplainable that hurt the most.
There are things about me that I will never be able to explain to him, or anyone for that matter. I would promise him, and I promise this, that once I get these things figured out, he would be the first to know. But I cannot yet. I know there is so much that I have no idea of. So many things life has not let me learn yet.
Our fight.....or I guess I should call it "weird thing" that happened tonight was caused because I am fearful. I am so scared. I am scared of being disappointed (again), scared of being wrong (again), scared of being alone (again), scared of starting over (again).
This is normal, right blog? Everyone gets scared from time to time, right? He is so close to proposing to me and here I am, at midnight, on a work night, telling you, once again, my problems.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where the main character burns his/her driver's license, social security card, fakes their own death, blah, blah, blah, and starts a new life as someone else? Sometimes they make a fake identity or, in some cases they commit to a life of complete solitude. I prefer, I think, the latter. That is to say, if I were one of these characters in one of these movies. If I were to choose a life of solitude, then I could never hurt anyone again. Okay, maybe myself, but no one else. (and not in the physical sense, I just know I'd have a hard time with the loneliness thing and at some point would be upset with my desicion until I got used to it.....see?)
God....I'm such a rambler tonight.
Insecurity.
Doubt.
Ridiculousness.
Memories.
Scars.
All of this sometimes eats at me.
It makes me feel better that I have "someone" to talk to about it that won't (can't) judge me for it.
Of course I will be fine. I just felt filled tonight. Filled with angst. Filled with sorrow. Filled with a feeling that can only be catagorized in the "melancholy" catagory.
I hope that God, who ever, or whatever, will at some point make me feel more confident in me.... I can only do so much on my own. I know you know how that feels, blog. Otherwise, you and I would speak much, much more often.