I hate roller coasters.

Sometimes I feel as though my brain is constantly on a roller coaster. It makes me ask myself "What's wrong with me? Why am I not "normal"?" I want to be even. I want to feel good enough. Good enough, especially for myself. I'm not sure if it's a good thing. On one hand, I think it might be good to feel this way. I'm constantly tearing myself apart, picking, analyzing, over reacting. If I thought I AM good enough, I'd never try to be better. On the other hand, I wonder if I do it too much. Sometimes, especially on days like today, I feel like driving back to my house and sleeping until summertime. Sometimes I love my job, live for my job. Not so much today. I find myself asking "why are you working so hard? will it ever stop? what exactly are you working towards?" I can't help it.

I feel the same way in my relationship also, sometimes. I stress the "sometimes." I feel like I'm not going to be able to remain good enough for Ryan. Definitely not because of anything he's said or done to make me feel that way. It's self doubt. A never ending audio stream of self doubt in my head. I tell myself he's better than me. I tell myself he should be with someone more attractive. Someone better with money. Someone who makes him better. I'm an idiot sometimes....damnit I hate being inside my head.

I stand outside a lot and always look up at the sky. Whenever I see an airplane I make a silent wish that I could blink my eyes and magically appear on that plane right that minute. I don't care where it's flying, the important thing is that it's flying away from here.

What's so wrong with here though?

It's supposed to snow tonight. I hope it snows so bad that I can't drive my car tomorrow. I'd love another three day weekend. They are therapeutic.

I went over to Ryan's last night and he acted uninterested in me. I watched him watch television while I was telling him about my day. It made me feel unimpressive. The usual. Boring. Unstimulating. I wish sometimes I could shake him and make him crazy about me all the time again. We are getting used to eachother. It's make or break time, folks. The honeymoon is over. Now will be the true test of whether there is truly and "us" or a "eh."

What if I end up alone for the rest of my life?

What if I always disappoint myself?

I don't want to get any older. Everything moves faster.