Drifting. Waiting. Inhaling. Exhaling.

I have found it increasingly more difficult to "talk" about "how I feel" lately. I think I've been over-talked. I think I've talked my way into retardation.
Can't I just BE for a minute?
Things that have been rolling around in my head:
What if I am just perpetually unhappy?
What if I stay and it's a mistake?
What if I leave and it's a mistake?
What if I wake up one day, old, alone and filled with regret?
What if none of this shit even matters?!
I wake up, I work, I buy cute clothes online, I drink coffee for lunch, I passive aggressively handle most situations, I lust, I lie, I daydream about disappearing, I eat my words, I long for comfort.
I have reached a point in this road I have put myself on where I suddenly cannot find comfort. In anything. Touch makes me uncomfortable. Talk makes me sick. Booze is something I am expected to not have anymore so it's secretive when I indulge. I want to be intimate with someone, but I just can't seem to bring myself there. I realized that I have to allow myself to enjoy it - and that, I cannot seem to bring myself to do.
Me and my husband are supposed to be going on a date tonight. We are going to go to one of the restaurants we used to go to when things were fun. I'm filled with a heartbreaking sadness today though and I can't seem to shake it. I'm worried it will follow me to dinner. What if I ruin the date? What if he wants to talk about it? Why can't I just disappear? Never look back? Change my name? Burn my possessions?
I keep telling myself that we will be okay. That the old us will rekindle and we'll be happy again. But why hasn't that happened yet?
I feel like I'm damaging myself. Like I'm ruining a part of my heart and once this is all said and done, I won't ever be able to give that to anyone else, let alone myself.
I know the man that I fell in love with is still there - inside this confused, insecure mess of a person I'm now married to. I worry that I've shut that off to him and now I can't find the switch to turn it back on. I feel like a sociopath. I wish I could lock myself in a dark room for a year. I wish I could get very quiet with myself. Relearn who I am. Relearn the things I love about me and fix and/or accept the things I hate about me.
I don't trust myself to make choices anymore. If I was good at choosing, then I shouldn't be in this awful place I'm in now. Right?