Choosing to be an Asshole

I had an epiphany on the way to work.... I think....

For a while now I've been questioning whether or not I'm CHOOSING to be a heartless husk of a human towards my husband as a childish, passive aggressive way of making him "pay" for his wrongdoings.

I don't think I'm choosing anymore. Logically, couldn't one safely say that if you had two choices - to be happy or miserable, you would choose happy? Because it's easier and a lot more fun and fulfilling. Right? Everyone would choose that. So am I just a big asshole? Or am I stuck? I guess now that it's written down it's really not an epiphany.... those get you somewhere. That train of thought just got me no where. Oh well, story of my miserable life lately.

He suggested last night that I get on antidepressants. HA! No thanks, buddy. I don't need a pill to make me happy. I need to find where I left my soul. It makes me incredibly sad that there are no answers to my conundrum. I wish someone could tell me exactly what to do and poof! it'd be fixed. Would I listen though, is the question.

My muse is dead now too. I thought killing it would make it better, but now I just feel even more alone than I did before.

No more inspiration.

No more overflow.

I just want to get through today. And then tomorrow. And then the next day. And then the next.

I painted last night. I made a painting for my parents for their Christmas gift.

I'm pretty sure they will like it. I like it. I would totally hang it in my own home. It's oil pastels on acrylic. I've never used oil pastels until last night. I enjoyed it. I was covered in it by the time I was done. I enjoy it when the project is messy. I like using my hands. I like losing myself in the process.

I also made a scarf for each of my band members. It was difficult choosing which color and type of yarn for them. I think I picked the correct colors though. J's black and it was the easiest yarn to make a scarf with. Just like my friendship with him. So easy. And ironically, I have to go purchase another ball of it today because I didn't have enough of it to make an entire scarf. T's is orange and soft and beautiful. Z's is grey and wasn't easy to make, but it is a very forgiving yarn, so my mistakes aren't visible. Funny, huh? Like I said, I picked the perfect yarn for each. In the middle of each scarf I am leaving a small note to tell them how thankful I am for them and that I love them. I think it's a good gift. Made with love.

Until the next time I'm super pissed, I bid you farewell Mr. Blog.