"I can't live like this anymore, let's go to counseling."

Le sigh.
That's what my husband said to me last night.
YOU CAN'T LIVE LIKE THIS FOR MUCH LONGER?!?!? IT'S BEEN TWO WEEKS YOU SONOFABITCH.
I'm not ready for counseling. He isn't ready to hear all of the things I want to say to him.
I'm so tired of everyone assuming that I should feel better by now. I'm completely justified to my feelings. No one knows what it's like to be married to him and no one knows ALL of the shit. No one but me, and unfortunately, now you.
Sometimes I feel like maybe I don't want it to work out. Sometimes I feel like I've punished myself enough and I should just leave. Sometimes I secretly wish he'll self destruct and ruin it for me so I am not stuck doing the dirty work. I'm a selfish motherfucker, aren't I?
I'm leaving the state this weekend with a girlfriend. I'm just going a few hours away to a small concert. I know I'll pay for it when I get back. He'll feel terrible about me being away from him for that long. He'll wonder who I cheated on him with. He'll wonder how much I had to drink. He'll wonder and wonder and wonder.
I want to be a free bird for just a minute. I want and probably need to remember what it's like to have no one to share anything with. I need to remember what it's like to be lonely BY CHOICE. Maybe then I would appreciate my relationship. Or maybe I wouldn't.... What if it didn't work? What if it made me realize how much happier I was when I was alone? Was I happier? I can't remember anymore...
Everything is so damn unclear these days. Blurred. Gross. I'm a vile person to be around. I'm negative and cynical. Angry and puffy eyed.
I wish he would leave me alone for just a few minutes though. Even when I'm not around him, I still feel him. I also feel like the world's biggest asshole for saying that.
He's such a good guy, he really is. He loves me so fucking much, too. He tells me every day. This morning he asked me to pray for us and I told him I didn't want to. He told me to pray for us, again. So I started and he stopped me because he could tell I was only doing it because he was making me. He doesn't get it. I'm pissed at God. I can't pray right now. I'm mad at life, I'm mad at the tunnels and roads I have taken to get me in this place because when I was taking those turns and twists, I REALLY thought them out and prayed for guidance and here I am. Alone. Sad. Angry. Unable to move.
He wants me to be happy again.
So do I love, so do I.